Stuart Moore:
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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

My Very Own Rocky Mountain High

ken_buck_2

So here's a little story about the origins of a loser. It's a bit embarrassing, so I don't tell it too often. But it's topical today, so here you go.

The Associated Press just finally declared Democrat Michael Bennet the winner of a very close Senate race in Colorado. According to Talking Points Memo:

"Bennet had been written off by some after he struggled to win the party primary in August. He faced a strong challenge from Republican Ken Buck, who was backed by Tea Party members, and Bennet appeared destined to become one of this cycle's Democratic casualties. But in the end, helped by a series of gaffes committed by Buck, Bennet managed to pull it out."

I hadn't been following this race, but the name Ken Buck rang a bell with me. Took me a little while to remember why.

When I was an underclassman at Princeton University, the people running the main university dining halls decided, at some point, to crack down on people taking food out of the halls to eat later. Apparently there was an epidemic of students just dying to smuggle tough, gristly chicken wings out for delayed consumption. Or maybe it was those awesome "omelets" made out of melted tires. Who knows.

Nobody really took this edict too seriously -- except for one door-checker. One tireless defender of law and order. A big man with big principles named Ken Buck.

My friends and I thought the policy was ridiculous, and we'd seen this future Tea-Party lunatic stop people and make them return half a slice of pizza before exiting the hall. So we decided to Get Away With Something. We didn't care about the food -- as noted, it wasn't really worth stealing. We were just in a mood.

So I stood outside the dining area, by a disused turnstile, while a friend of mine handed off a small paper bag of...donuts? hot dogs? Who knows...to me from inside. And as I headed toward the door, I heard a commanding, stentorian voice ring out:

"YOU! STOP!"

So I ran. And what did Ken Buck -- the man who, decades later, would refer to an alleged rape as "buyers' remorse" -- do? He did what any sane, rational right-wing nutjob would do. He left his post and took off in pursuit. He chased me down Nassau Street and around the corner into Holder Courtyard, where he tackled me to the ground. Then he held up my illegally acquired bag of inedible gruel and shouted triumphantly, "WHAT'S THIS?"

Now, this is the embarrassing part. Old Ken was quite a bit stronger than I was, and he managed to drag me all the way back to the dining hall in an iron grip. The university officials were kind of douchebags about the whole thing, too. I guess they felt they had to back up their man. I was friends with Ken's boss in the dining hall, however, and one of his fellow football team members. Both of whom later went to him and basically said, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Whatever it was, I guess it's still wrong. And I haven't heard the name Ken Buck since that day; I had to check Wikipedia to see if he was the same jizzbucket I remembered. Lo and behold, he was.

I don't know where you are or what you're up to now, Ken old buddy. Well, I guess I do know where you are: Colorado, not Washington. But as you pursue your tireless quest to improve the moral fiber of America, if you should happen to stumble across my humble little blog posting...well, please just take this final sentiment in the spirit it's offered:

I hope today hurts like a bitch.

14 comments:

scott (the other one) said...

Definitely my favorite thing I've read since Tuesday night.

Anonymous said...

Civil disobedience? Against a college cafeteria? Are you a complete moron? It would seem so. You deliberately broke a rule (probably instituted to prevent rotten food from attracting roaches to the living areas and to keep irresponsible students from littering the campus with cafeteria refuse). Then you were surprised when someone charged with the task of keeping dumbasses from breaking the rules actually enforced the rules. This says to me that he would've probably been a stickler about the Constitution which is precisely what we need right now. We need someone to chase the president down the street and drag him to jail for enacting SO MANY violations of fundamental law. Congratulations. A butthurt teenager stews into old age because he got busted for breaking the law. I hope when he tackled you it hurt like a bitch.

scott (the other one) said...

Well. Thanks to Anonymous up there, now I have a new new favorite thing I've read since Tuesday night.

It's not often you get satire that awesome.

...what's that? No. He can't possibly be serious. It's gotta be a joke.

Stuart Moore said...

Haha! I knew I'd get one of those guys.

Jim Chadwick said...

Hey Stuart. Great story.

I'm hoping Anonymous is someone doing a bit of satire. But the fact that I have my doubts shows that the teabagger asshats are so over the top, you can't really even satire them. It is amusing to me that the people who are so quick to call Obama a fascist seem to have no problem with overt fascist thuggery themselves. Maybe old Ken should have just curbed you and stepped on your throat too.

Stuart Moore said...

Jim: Well, see, then HE would have gotten in trouble, not me.

One day, though, All Law Will Be Obeyed; No Refuse Will Litter The Campuses; and Rotten Food Will Attract Roaches Nevermore. Then Anonymous will be free to reveal his identity without fear.

Sandra said...

I dunno. I think whoever wants to chase the President down the street is a complete moron. Secret Service Agents frown on that sort of thing.

alex hopf said...

COME TO TORONTO!!!!

Anonymous said...

Well, frankly, you sound like a mid-aged weenie, selectively remembering some mildly entertaining 'great' story from your youth. And now, later in life, to rationalize and justify some lame understanding of contemporary political thought you want to link the over zealous behavior of some 18 year old opponent in your past to castigation of the tea party movement. Must be tough dealing with such latent anger and frustration every day.


Not the first anonymous.

Stuart Moore said...

So MANY courageous, anonymous commenters. Welcome, "all" of you, to the Hall of Latent Anger. You might learn something about yourself. SELVES!

Conall said...

Nice one, Stuart. We've all met this brand of ass-hole.

Conall said...

Nice one, Stuart. We've all met this brand of ass-hole.

Stephen Mike said...

Anonymous said...
shut up Anonymous said... Its a fresking univer. he should been allowed to carry his food out/not. That is just ridicolous. In many colleges you have the right to take out food you buy. Sounds like that fatso was a stuck up lousy spoiled traah. But its it doesnt matter if your a tea bagger/not. To me every politician is the same corrupt laundering money and creating constantly unjust laws. Tea baggers are pretends. Obama lrt 15 million to be unemployed and still rising because he favors businesses by giving more than trillion but never punishing for destroying the economy thus making congress, businesses, banks, wealthy the dictators of the U.S

George Henry said...

Anonymous said...
shut up Anonymous said... Its a freaking univer. he should been allowed to carry his food out/not. That is just ridicolous. In many colleges you have the right to take out food you buy. Sounds like that fatso was a stuck up lousy spoiled trash. But its it doesnt matter if your a tea bagger/not. To me every politician is the same corrupt laundering money and creating constantly unjust laws. Tea baggers are pretends. Obama lreven let 15 million to be unemployed and still rising because he favors businesses by giving more than trillion but never punishing them for destroying the economy thus making congress, businesses, banks, wealthy the dictators of the U.S